Trust the Process

The Anatomy of a Mediation Session

Opening Statement

Uninterrupted Time

The Exchange

Setting the Agenda

Building the Agreement

Writing the Agreement

Closing Statement

Mediation

Mediation is any process for resolving disputes in which another person helps the parties negotiate a settlement. Mediation is useful in a wide variety of conflicts, particularly in the aftermath of an incident, at the point when emotions have eased enough that the parties can begin to negotiate. (The Mediator's Handbook, Jennifer E. Beer with Eileen Stief)

"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." Golda Meir and Indira Gandhi

From Adversaries to Partners

The sequence of the steps is important. You cannot defuse the other side's negative emotions unless you have controlled your own. It is hard to build them a golden bridge unless you have changed the game to joint problem-solving. This does not mean that once you have taken one step, you have completed it. On the contrary, you need to keep going to the balcony throughout the negotiation. As the other side's anger and frustration resurface, you need to keep stepping to their side. The process is like a symphony in which the different instruments join in sequentially and then play their parts throughout. (Getting Past No, page 13) 
Since reading this book, I have used these steps several times in my personal life. The ones that has been the most successful for me so far is going to the balcony and stepping to their side. These steps have made a huge difference in the way I handle conflict.

"Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?"  Abraham Lincoln

Step 5 - Use Power to Educate

Despite your best efforts, the other side may still refuse to cooperate, believing they can beat you at the power game. You may be tempted at this point to escalate. Threats and coercion often backfire, however, and lead to costly and futile battles. The alternative is to use power not to escalate, but to educate. Enhance your negotiating power and use it to bring them back to the table. Show them that they cannot win by themselves but only together with you. (Getting Past No, page 13)

"The best general is the one who never fights."  Sun Tzu

Step 4 - Build Them a Golden Bridge

While you many now have engaged the other side in joint problem-solving, you may still be far from reaching a mutually satisfactory agreement. The other side may be dissatisfied, unconvinced of the benefits of agreement. You may feel like pushing them, but this will only make them more resistant. So do the opposite. In the words of the Chinese sage, "build a golden bridge" from their position to a mutually satisfactory solution. You need to bridge the gap between their interests and yours. You need to help them save face and make the outcome look like a victory for them. (Getting Past No, page 12)

"Build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across."  Sun Tzu

Step 3 - Reframe

Now you want to tackle the problem together. This is hard to do, however, when the other side digs into their position and tries to get you to give in. It's natural to feel like rejecting their position, but this will only lead them to dig in further. So do the opposite. Accept whatever they say and reframe it as an attempt to deal with the problem. For example, take their position and probe behind it: "Tell me more. Help me understand why you want that." Act as if they were your partners genuinely interested in solving the problem. (Getting Past No, page 12)

"Craft against vice I will apply."  William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

Step 2 - Step to Their Side

The next barrier for you to overcome is the other side's negative emotions - their defensiveness, fear, suspicion, and hostility. It is all too easy to get drawn into an argument, but you need to resist this temptation. Just as you've regained your mental balance, you need to help the other side regain theirs. To create the right climate for joint problem-solving, you need to defuse their negative emotions. To do this, you need to do the opposite of what they expect. They expect you to behave like an adversary. Instead, you should take their side by listening to them, acknowledging their points and their feelings, agreeing with them, and showing them respect. (Getting Past No, page 12)

"Rarely is it advisable to meet prejudices and passions head on. Instead, it is best to appear to conform to them in order to gain time to combat them. One must know how to sail with a contrary wind and to tack until one meets a wind in the right direction."  Fortune de Felice, 1778