Final Reflection

Through my leadership classes I have learned a new way of looking back on my educational experiences and discovering the most meaningful aspects of them. The reflections I have done for all of my classes have been an integral part of this journey. The most significant changes I have made comes from the knowledge I have learned about myself and the new found ability to apply it to all areas of life. It has been a journey of self-actualization that will allow me to reach my fullest potential.

"What a man can be, he must be. This need we may call self-actualization…It refers to the desire for self-fulfillment, namely, to the tendency for him to become actualized in what he is potentially. This tendency might be phrased as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming."   Abraham Maslow

Does mediation really help?

Success lies partly in the mediator's skills, but also with the readiness of the parties. If someone is bent on keeping conflict going, even the most obvious solutions will not work. If everyone wants to see a conflict end, mediation can be a graceful and efficient way to do so. (The Mediator's Handbook, Jennifer Beer with Eileen Stief)

Solving the Problem

A mediator can help solve the problem by:

Taking notes

Asking the right questions

Negotiating terms

Being aware of interests

Understanding positions

Seeing mediatable issues

Reframing words

Eliciting ideas

Exploring Alternatives

Testing for agreement

Developing sample agreements

Recognizing when no resolution is in sight

Controlling the Process

A mediator controlls the process by:

Directing

Knowing when to intervene

Setting boundaries and groundrules

Summarizing

Restating

Confronting

Protecting

Knowing when to quit

Handling things when they get out of control

Supporting the People

As a mediator you Support the People by

Giving good attention

Acknowledging

Setting a tone

Encouraging

Meeting group needs

Using simple language

Understanding language and hearing difficulties

Having confidentiality in practice

Staying impartial

Understanding cultural patterns

Handling emotionally difficult situations

Mediator's Toolbox

3 kinds of Tools

• Supporting the People
• Controlling the Process
• Solving the Problem

Knowing your tools for each side of the triangle gives you a variety of options in any given moment!

The Conflict Triangle

The Conflict Triangle sorts the spiral element into three categories.

These give mediators a basic framework for assessing the conflict.

People – Every conflict involves personalities, emotions, and a history of relationships.
Process – Intentionally of not, parties take actions which intensify, ease, spread, or resolve a conflict.
Problem – Every conflict has substance – the concerns and needs that are the cause or focus for the dispute.

Any lasting resolution must engage all three sides of the conflict.

Trust the Process

The Anatomy of a Mediation Session

Opening Statement

Uninterrupted Time

The Exchange

Setting the Agenda

Building the Agreement

Writing the Agreement

Closing Statement

Mediation

Mediation is any process for resolving disputes in which another person helps the parties negotiate a settlement. Mediation is useful in a wide variety of conflicts, particularly in the aftermath of an incident, at the point when emotions have eased enough that the parties can begin to negotiate. (The Mediator's Handbook, Jennifer E. Beer with Eileen Stief)

"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." Golda Meir and Indira Gandhi

From Adversaries to Partners

The sequence of the steps is important. You cannot defuse the other side's negative emotions unless you have controlled your own. It is hard to build them a golden bridge unless you have changed the game to joint problem-solving. This does not mean that once you have taken one step, you have completed it. On the contrary, you need to keep going to the balcony throughout the negotiation. As the other side's anger and frustration resurface, you need to keep stepping to their side. The process is like a symphony in which the different instruments join in sequentially and then play their parts throughout. (Getting Past No, page 13) 
Since reading this book, I have used these steps several times in my personal life. The ones that has been the most successful for me so far is going to the balcony and stepping to their side. These steps have made a huge difference in the way I handle conflict.

"Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?"  Abraham Lincoln

Step 5 - Use Power to Educate

Despite your best efforts, the other side may still refuse to cooperate, believing they can beat you at the power game. You may be tempted at this point to escalate. Threats and coercion often backfire, however, and lead to costly and futile battles. The alternative is to use power not to escalate, but to educate. Enhance your negotiating power and use it to bring them back to the table. Show them that they cannot win by themselves but only together with you. (Getting Past No, page 13)

"The best general is the one who never fights."  Sun Tzu

Step 4 - Build Them a Golden Bridge

While you many now have engaged the other side in joint problem-solving, you may still be far from reaching a mutually satisfactory agreement. The other side may be dissatisfied, unconvinced of the benefits of agreement. You may feel like pushing them, but this will only make them more resistant. So do the opposite. In the words of the Chinese sage, "build a golden bridge" from their position to a mutually satisfactory solution. You need to bridge the gap between their interests and yours. You need to help them save face and make the outcome look like a victory for them. (Getting Past No, page 12)

"Build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across."  Sun Tzu

Step 3 - Reframe

Now you want to tackle the problem together. This is hard to do, however, when the other side digs into their position and tries to get you to give in. It's natural to feel like rejecting their position, but this will only lead them to dig in further. So do the opposite. Accept whatever they say and reframe it as an attempt to deal with the problem. For example, take their position and probe behind it: "Tell me more. Help me understand why you want that." Act as if they were your partners genuinely interested in solving the problem. (Getting Past No, page 12)

"Craft against vice I will apply."  William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

Step 2 - Step to Their Side

The next barrier for you to overcome is the other side's negative emotions - their defensiveness, fear, suspicion, and hostility. It is all too easy to get drawn into an argument, but you need to resist this temptation. Just as you've regained your mental balance, you need to help the other side regain theirs. To create the right climate for joint problem-solving, you need to defuse their negative emotions. To do this, you need to do the opposite of what they expect. They expect you to behave like an adversary. Instead, you should take their side by listening to them, acknowledging their points and their feelings, agreeing with them, and showing them respect. (Getting Past No, page 12)

"Rarely is it advisable to meet prejudices and passions head on. Instead, it is best to appear to conform to them in order to gain time to combat them. One must know how to sail with a contrary wind and to tack until one meets a wind in the right direction."  Fortune de Felice, 1778

Step 1 - Go to the Balcony

Since the first barrier is your natural reaction, the first step involves suspending that reaction. To engage in joint problem-solving, you need to regain your mental balance and stay focused on achieving what you want. A useful image for getting perspective on the situation is to imagine yourself standing on a balcony looking down on your negotiation. (Getting Past No, page 11)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."  Ambrose Bierce

Breaking Through Barriers To Cooperation

In his book, "Getting Past No",  William Ury presents a 5 step plan for negotiation. Step 1 is Go to the Balcony, Step 2 is Step to Their Side, Step 3 is Reframe, Step 4 is Build Them a Golden Bridge, and Step 5 is to Use Power to Educate.

With these steps you can stay in control under pressure, defuse anger and hostility, find out what the other side really wants, counter dirty tricks, use power to bring the other side back to the table, and reach agreements that satisfy both sides' needs.

"Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way." Daniele Vare